The Spectator | rivermaiden's Blog

Sometimes all you can do is be the spectator. Its like watching your child grow up - watching him fall, the bruises, the tears and then praying he would he back on his feet. And the people you love, you care about - sometimes all you can possibly do is let them be. Let them be in pain, let them hurt, let them mourn and hope that they find the strength.

I do not know which part is the toughest. Till some days back I used to think that I am in pain, lots of it and thats the most unfair, important thing in the world. I shut off the people who care about me, I could not bear to be bothered. The slightest concern, bit of sympathy used to drive me nuts. I just wanted to be left alone. And that is exactly what I did. I shrugged off everyone, let go off all my attachments and was immensely proud that I could survive on my own. Pride you see, is what came in the way. I could not let anyone close, let anyone take care of me and preferred strangers to friends. I hated the fact that my close ones were worrying about me, I ran as fast as I could.

Right from my childhood days when I was sent to the boarding school leaving behind my sibling and extended family, I learned to accept what I cant change, to face what I must and to be own my own. And the one person I had trusted, the one I had let close enough to take care of me, the one I had clung to shamelessly in my entire life turned out to be the one who broke it all and abandoned me - I was done.  I could not let anyone see the pain, I was dying of shame, I wanted to pick up what was left of my bruised ego and remind myself again and again that never ever would I be so dependent and vulnerable. When I finished beating myself over what I had done, the extent I had gone, the foolishness of it all - that is when I wanted to become the hermit , yes that is what I exaggerate and call myself - the one who is unfazed by everything around, who is free from all kinds of expectations and attachments and who only looks forward at all times - the liberated soul. I aspire to be all of that and much more.

The only person I genuinely grew fond of after the biggest break up or if I dramatize it the catastrophe that changed my life for the better in spite of all my reservations is my co worker and best friend - we have these mind blowing conversations, he is one of the best I have come across in every way - be it friendship or as a human being. He in fact set me free, I could share without being judged, being sympathized with and most importantly he understood. It would have been that way always. I mean I would have never disclosed how I feel - Its not love, I dont believe in that weird thing. Since he is in a relationship and otherwise also I have nothing to offer - it was simple, just the sharing thats it and genuine care.

I love him for the person he is and look up to him in many ways. The other person who I had looked up to had turned out to be a disaster - since then idealism had flown out of the window. You see break ups are normal even essential, I have had those, but then you should not play around with anyone's belief system. The one I had thought to be everything I had hoped for, the same one left which is fine but left in a way I never thought possible. I have been a cheater earlier and it was time to pay for my sins. When he went away, he took with him all I had - my faith, pride, hope, the love and everything else that made me - 'me'. I was just left with loads of confusion, pain and baggage that weighed me down. I had lost my sense of perception, I could not believe / fathom what had happened and lost the faith both in others and in my own judgement.

When everything in the world was how they were meant to be and my own had collapsed - when  the concern of my dearest ones left me suffocated and any kind of frivolous association made me feel all the more empty - when alienated was what I was, that is when I built the bond with my coworker, that I cherish till date. I have no clue when we became acquaintances to buddies and later best friends. My liking for him gave me pangs of guilt. I have been no good in the past. I had crossed boundaries, cheated on my partner long ago ( different partner though) and helped another cheat on theirs with me. I had no morals, no values. Today I am a different person, I have come a long way. I know exactly how burned one can get. I know what it is like when another disrespects the union that means everything to you, another breaks the trust you put in them and what it takes to walk away from the most precious part of your life. My so called love of my life thew it all away just like I had and hurt someone who was deeply in love with me. Life always comes to a full circle right?

Having learned my lessons, I would have never ever done any of that with my co worker. Let alone anything else, I would have never even told him how much he mans to me. For one, though he means  lot, I actually wanna be alone in my whole life even if it sounds crazy, I neither believe in love nor attachments. My relationships made me dependent so much so that at one point I had even contemplated ending it all. It has taken a whole lot to reach where I am today, to be happy with myself, be self sufficient and finally get used to living on my own. Trust me I wouldnt give that up for anything ever. So had he been single, still I wouldn't have said a word since there can be nothing more yet would have always always cherished him, respected him and loved him in my own way.
The fact that he was taken was just fine, I knew I would always respect the commitments of others even I have none of my own.

Then came the time he said he would leave soon. It saddened me, sometimes more than I thought and also pissed me off because I realized I was still vulnerable to being attached in spite all all that I claim about being a hermit blah blah.. Still I decided I would always think of him fondly and let him go. I take great pride that I dont cling anymore and I can let go. Then something happened that left me confused. He started being really tender and sweet, I thought its because he would leave soon so just making the best of the remaining days. But later I came to know his girlfriend cheated on him and maybe even left him. I wish, so wish I could do something, anything to ease the hurt, to heal - not out of sympathy but because I care, lot more than I admit even to myself.

I know the drill. He would mourn, deal with the pain, the confusion, come to terms with the hurt and also that he would withdraw. And all I can do is stand and watch. I know no words, no amount of consolation would be enough. Had I been younger and not known what I do now, about life, I would have jumped to his rescue, been the savior, loved and healed to the best of my abilities. Today I am too entangled, too broken to do so and most importantly I know, no can can be rescued. We all have to go through our share of pain and hurt, learn on our own and go through this journey alone.

I know exactly what he will go through, the sense of betrayal the intense sadness the loss and all of it. He had given me strength, been the friend I needed, been everything I could have possibly asked for. During my phase of confusion, when I wanted to be away from everyone yet connect at times, he was just the perfect companion, the patient listener, the witty one who made it all easier. He has been like no other, never flirted, never took advantage of my vulnerable state, always accepting and one I could be myself with.

Today he, the most loyal person I know, the most loving boyfriend to his girl and the best friend I could have ever had, is in so much pain. I wish I could do something. Maybe this is how my loved ones felt when I withdrew, when I could share, when I pushed them away. I realize it all now. I will try to be more in touch with people who matter and try not to punish the world for something someone did to me. I just hope it all works out for him. He has been this rock solid pillar of strength, I will not be able to see him crumbling. I understand that he needs to be on his own, I will leave him to it and also know that he has to deal with everything himself. I can never tell him any of my concern or what it takes to see him that way. I can just be the spectator who lets him go and earnestly  hopes he finds his peace and happiness sometime soon.

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Previous Posts
get burnt but dont burn another, posted November 7th, 2012
Of bits and a little more, posted November 7th, 2012
The Spectator, posted November 4th, 2012
Sex - lots of it and the lack of it, posted October 30th, 2012
The strayed hermit, posted October 30th, 2012
When you miss the train I'm on, posted October 30th, 2012

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