rivermaiden's Blog

get burnt but dont burn another

you see when we burn we dont really have a choice...but we burn another we do. why cause pain when happiness is so hard to come by.. let there be more compassion and tenderness...let no one in pain go unnoticed, let no darkness be eternal that light cannot seep through..

even if you have been hurt, been betrayed and been through a lot - do not stop being sensitive. that is a wonderful quality. sometimes its a curse i know yet mostly it brings a whole lot of good stuff. so even when you cant tolerate a bit more pain, look around those who might be in the same place or worse. and suppose you cant do it all for them - still reach out whenever you can and do your bit.

sometimes it aches so much that we cannot bear to be touched, stroked or held - thats when it all threatens to spill,  the wounds open up, its scary. i push away people when im too hurt or scared. so i try to be there even when others drive me away, not to pester but to be somewhere nearby should they call out. and these days im trying to be better than i have been and am trying not to push away people even when im suffering.

happy healing - you, me and the world :-)

Of bits and a little more

They are there on the social networking site ..only he isint. The ones that hurt him. And I cant see his endearing smile or the witty lines that used to pop up from time to time on the screen anymore.

Why did I ever hurt the ones I did? Didnt I know how it feels? And why did they hurt him? Why him? Why on earth? At least I deserved some of my pain, he never ever did. Why cant I bear it,so much so that instead of supporting him I need to stay away.

The words came out all wrong I told him I wish I could heal him. I couldnt tell him I cant bear to see him in pain. I cant be in love but its not sympathy either but then thats what he thinks, that I feel bad for him. I couldnt .. couldnt ...just couldnt tell him. The words never came out. Tears did. But the right words never formed no matter how many times how hard I tried.

I wish I could heal a bit, I wish I could love a bit.. bit yes a bit.. he asked me whats a bit...or why a bit? lol how would he ever know how much much it takes to say the bit part let alone more. I have known 'more' , explored the depths of 'more' and 'more' scares me. What if my 'more' brings more pain, messes up and fails to heal? What if 'more' is not good enough?

I am okay with a bit, I am okay with letting go. But I'm not okay with his struggles. Let him start over, and be happy.  The scars would fade away in time, would he remember me then? I guess I will never know. Unanswered questions dont keep me awake any longer. Only his anguish does.

The Spectator

Sometimes all you can do is be the spectator. Its like watching your child grow up - watching him fall, the bruises, the tears and then praying he would he back on his feet. And the people you love, you care about - sometimes all you can possibly do is let them be. Let them be in pain, let them hurt, let them mourn and hope that they find the strength.

I do not know which part is the toughest. Till some days back I used to think that I am in pain, lots of it and thats the most unfair, important thing in the world. I shut off the people who care about me, I could not bear to be bothered. The slightest concern, bit of sympathy used to drive me nuts. I just wanted to be left alone. And that is exactly what I did. I shrugged off everyone, let go off all my attachments and was immensely proud that I could survive on my own. Pride you see, is what came in the way. I could not let anyone close, let anyone take care of me and preferred strangers to friends. I hated the fact that my close ones were worrying about me, I ran as fast as I could.

Right from my childhood days when I was sent to the boarding school leaving behind my sibling and extended family, I learned to accept what I cant change, to face what I must and to be own my own. And the one person I had trusted, the one I had let close enough to take care of me, the one I had clung to shamelessly in my entire life turned out to be the one who broke it all and abandoned me - I was done.  I could not let anyone see the pain, I was dying of shame, I wanted to pick up what was left of my bruised ego and remind myself again and again that never ever would I be so dependent and vulnerable. When I finished beating myself over what I had done, the extent I had gone, the foolishness of it all - that is when I wanted to become the hermit , yes that is what I exaggerate and call myself - the one who is unfazed by everything around, who is free from all kinds of expectations and attachments and who only looks forward at all times - the liberated soul. I aspire to be all of that and much more.

The only person I genuinely grew fond of after the biggest break up or if I dramatize it the catastrophe that changed my life for the better in spite of all my reservations is my co worker and best friend - we have these mind blowing conversations, he is one of the best I have come across in every way - be it friendship or as a human being. He in fact set me free, I could share without being judged, being sympathized with and most importantly he understood. It would have been that way always. I mean I would have never disclosed how I feel - Its not love, I dont believe in that weird thing. Since he is in a relationship and otherwise also I have nothing to offer - it was simple, just the sharing thats it and genuine care.

I love him for the person he is and look up to him in many ways. The other person who I had looked up to had turned out to be a disaster - since then idealism had flown out of the window. You see break ups are normal even essential, I have had those, but then you should not play around with anyone's belief system. The one I had thought to be everything I had hoped for, the same one left which is fine but left in a way I never thought possible. I have been a cheater earlier and it was time to pay for my sins. When he went away, he took with him all I had - my faith, pride, hope, the love and everything else that made me - 'me'. I was just left with loads of confusion, pain and baggage that weighed me down. I had lost my sense of perception, I could not believe / fathom what had happened and lost the faith both in others and in my own judgement.

When everything in the world was how they were meant to be and my own had collapsed - when  the concern of my dearest ones left me suffocated and any kind of frivolous association made me feel all the more empty - when alienated was what I was, that is when I built the bond with my coworker, that I cherish till date. I have no clue when we became acquaintances to buddies and later best friends. My liking for him gave me pangs of guilt. I have been no good in the past. I had crossed boundaries, cheated on my partner long ago ( different partner though) and helped another cheat on theirs with me. I had no morals, no values. Today I am a different person, I have come a long way. I know exactly how burned one can get. I know what it is like when another disrespects the union that means everything to you, another breaks the trust you put in them and what it takes to walk away from the most precious part of your life. My so called love of my life thew it all away just like I had and hurt someone who was deeply in love with me. Life always comes to a full circle right?

Having learned my lessons, I would have never ever done any of that with my co worker. Let alone anything else, I would have never even told him how much he mans to me. For one, though he means  lot, I actually wanna be alone in my whole life even if it sounds crazy, I neither believe in love nor attachments. My relationships made me dependent so much so that at one point I had even contemplated ending it all. It has taken a whole lot to reach where I am today, to be happy with myself, be self sufficient and finally get used to living on my own. Trust me I wouldnt give that up for anything ever. So had he been single, still I wouldn't have said a word since there can be nothing more yet would have always always cherished him, respected him and loved him in my own way.
The fact that he was taken was just fine, I knew I would always respect the commitments of others even I have none of my own.

Then came the time he said he would leave soon. It saddened me, sometimes more than I thought and also pissed me off because I realized I was still vulnerable to being attached in spite all all that I claim about being a hermit blah blah.. Still I decided I would always think of him fondly and let him go. I take great pride that I dont cling anymore and I can let go. Then something happened that left me confused. He started being really tender and sweet, I thought its because he would leave soon so just making the best of the remaining days. But later I came to know his girlfriend cheated on him and maybe even left him. I wish, so wish I could do something, anything to ease the hurt, to heal - not out of sympathy but because I care, lot more than I admit even to myself.

I know the drill. He would mourn, deal with the pain, the confusion, come to terms with the hurt and also that he would withdraw. And all I can do is stand and watch. I know no words, no amount of consolation would be enough. Had I been younger and not known what I do now, about life, I would have jumped to his rescue, been the savior, loved and healed to the best of my abilities. Today I am too entangled, too broken to do so and most importantly I know, no can can be rescued. We all have to go through our share of pain and hurt, learn on our own and go through this journey alone.

I know exactly what he will go through, the sense of betrayal the intense sadness the loss and all of it. He had given me strength, been the friend I needed, been everything I could have possibly asked for. During my phase of confusion, when I wanted to be away from everyone yet connect at times, he was just the perfect companion, the patient listener, the witty one who made it all easier. He has been like no other, never flirted, never took advantage of my vulnerable state, always accepting and one I could be myself with.

Today he, the most loyal person I know, the most loving boyfriend to his girl and the best friend I could have ever had, is in so much pain. I wish I could do something. Maybe this is how my loved ones felt when I withdrew, when I could share, when I pushed them away. I realize it all now. I will try to be more in touch with people who matter and try not to punish the world for something someone did to me. I just hope it all works out for him. He has been this rock solid pillar of strength, I will not be able to see him crumbling. I understand that he needs to be on his own, I will leave him to it and also know that he has to deal with everything himself. I can never tell him any of my concern or what it takes to see him that way. I can just be the spectator who lets him go and earnestly  hopes he finds his peace and happiness sometime soon.

Sex - lots of it and the lack of it

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The strayed hermit

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When you miss the train I'm on

When we parted that last time (though we kept getting back again only to realize it was over), you were standing there waving me goodbye. I walked ahead and took the transport to take me home while you stood there, still, in your dark blue or black tee shirt .. at the end of that slanted pavement for a long long time. I can see it all so clearly, I dont even need to close my eyes.

The only confusion that day was - were you really heartbroken to see me go as you said you were or was it painful  to realize you would be perfectly alright without me and yes maybe someday so would I. You see I was still the silly one, even after all the battles, so what you possibly realized that day - I wasnt even anywhere close. I had no idea whether those were your tears of letting go or of your understanding of the fact that you had outgrown me. Maybe a bit of both. Today however, the only confusing part is the color of your tee shirt - was it the black one of the dark blue one? Everything else I have got figured - the jeans, your favorite pair that I had gifted on your birthday, the slippers - black which rested on the bike before we took off for the longest, weirdest ride home.

You see life is strange. There you were standing on the road, I'm sorry not sure if you were waving, whereas I was the one who turned away and went whereas in reality you were the one who moved on...yes without me and sometimes, a year and half later, it still stings, stupidly... So yeah in reality you were the one who took off and I was the one left behind. is full of those..huh.

Sometimes when I write its all too fresh...too raw like just few days back. Yet on other days I struggle to put the pieces - how you were with me, how we loved, how we parted and the person I was. Sometimes I cant remember you. I dont really know whats more painful, you leaving me the way you did or me forgetting you with time as you said I would (when you were gently stroking my hair and I was wailing like a child). Same way like I cannot say for sure if its hard to believe I cannot remember you or harder to accept that I cant recognize myself - the me that was with you, anymore.

I think I write about you because I cannot talk to anyone about you, to get it off my chest when it all threatens to spill putting my sanity and everything else at stake and also to remind myself that the lessons that are hardest to learn are probably the most important ones.

This life as I see it is one to spend alone. Not lonely, friends, acquaintances, lovers surround at times but then the journey is always one to be undertaken alone. Attachments are all but temporary. Yet we build them and nurture and some nurture us - the naivety is endearing. And then we move on. Sometimes when I get close to people or they find a way to get close to me, wonder how though, and maybe for fleeting silly moments I let them care for me or I look after them, even miss them on occasions and then the reverie breaks. I snap out of it and shake my head. Now that its not too hard to part, in fact not hard at all, I smile that smile and get going. Life you see, teaches you a lot.

Its probably true that you could not really love me or love me forever or even for as long as I would have liked..but then I realized much later that whether you know it or not, you left me with the essence of life. The life I lead today, the life as I see it.

So when I leave this one person who I had grown quite fond of, I know I will move on, think of him on some sentimental days but again get rolling in the tide. I also know I have nothing to give nor to expect even under different circumstances as well. You should not stay beyond your welcome, let the times be good, tender maybe even somewhat true, but let it all not be everlasting. Pack your stuff, hug tight and with the best of things in your heart...move on. 

And I tell myself I had survived that day, that time... I am still alive. I have explored life beyond what I had known and I know I can survive anything, any god damn thing alone.

I will be leaving my job soon and him - the one person at work whom I like a lot. I dont believe in love or relationships. He will never know how much I cared, I dont evn know whether I care enough, feel deep or just care. The one who helped me on many a days, never judged and has always been a true friend. And I know I can let go.

I know I will not really keep in touch. Maybe just at times. Not sure. Am I not attached enough? Well you see, I can never love enough or be attached enough...I can never call anyone my own.. And when I move on, its only forward. You never look back in life, some you leave behind, some leave my friend goes on.

1-4 of 4 Blogs   

Previous Posts
get burnt but dont burn another, posted November 7th, 2012
Of bits and a little more, posted November 7th, 2012
The Spectator, posted November 4th, 2012
Sex - lots of it and the lack of it, posted October 30th, 2012
The strayed hermit, posted October 30th, 2012
When you miss the train I'm on, posted October 30th, 2012

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